Women Going Down

I'm back!

2008-11-23T22:43:00.004-06:00

Last week, I was on a business trip in Texas and randomly ran into Delightful Surprise! We had a blast at dinner and both agreed that we missed Women Going Down. I've enjoyed hiding out and being on my own because it's "comfortable" but I miss the conversations, I miss the women, I miss the love and I miss the encouragement.

So, I'm starting my blog again. What's new with me? I've committed to run the Chicago Marathon in October of 2009 and I'm doing it in honor of inspiring others to be healthy. More details to come with that later!

Back in Action!!

2008-07-29T06:53:00.003-05:00

Since we women of women going down last saw one another a few months back it seems we've been distancing ourselves more and more. We've gotten busy with our lives, which is fantastic, but for me I notice that I've dropped out of really taking care of myself the way I want to and know to. I'm back. I'm working (at my job) hard and finally getting the rest I need. I've been indulgent in many ways and now I'm ready to reclaim self control and the healthy lifestyle that I so desire. My apologies to everyone who supports me in my healthy choices for my being out of communication and up to no good (when it comes to taking care of myself). Thank you for being a stand that I am who I say I am and thank you for your patience. Back on the bandwagon one turn of the wheel at a time. : )
I'll be on the conference call this afternoon and look forward to hearing the voices of the women of WGD so we can create a call time that works for everyone. Delight

How Much for a Good Night's Rest?

2008-07-12T22:50:00.004-05:00

I have not wanted to blog, be in communication, do anything, really, to reconcile the fact that my integrity is out with WomenGoingDown. It took missing one of our conference calls to allow myself to feel excluded, removed, an distanced. It looks very self-indulgent as I sit here now. At around the same time that I misse dthe call, I heard something on the radio that rang true for me . All of the information was about women's health issues, one of which is sleep. When my mantra deviates from "all is well", even for a short time, I am on the hunt like some vicious prowler, for what is wrong. I lose a LOT of sleep, and I know intellectually and physically that it takes a big toll on my well being. In a Harvard sleep study, it was found that less than eight hours of sleep on a regular basis can actually lead to cardiovascular disease. It also is connected with the production of Cortisol, a stree- related hormone which is related to weight gain. Further, (not part of the Harvard study), it has been found to have a positive effect on adequate sleep and stress reduction for women to have conversations with girlfriends (other women). This is a really huge emotional trigger point for me. I don't have conversations with women friends very often at all. I have a lot to say on this topic, and about what I might call the "fallout" of not having these conversations.

Superhero interview

2008-07-06T15:01:00.005-05:00

I was asked to be highlighted as a "Superhero" in an online raw food group of which I'm a member. As I was answering the questions, I thought it would provide a source of inspiration and I'd like you to answer the questions for yourself as well.

What is your superhero name? Phat Nat

Where do you live? I live in a rural area in Kansas so I can have nature around me to balance my life and to grow a huge garden!

Where do you want to live? I want to live in the healthy, raw food bed and breakfast my husband and I are building. I also have a dream of living in another country like New Zealand or Australia!

What are your three favorite superfoods? Maca - for sure! ;), Goji berries and Lacinato Kale (I consider kale to be a superfood)

Describe your best day ever (15 words): Having no sense of time coupled with an experience of being deeply connecting with someone.

Name the best thing ever about yourself: I'm an eternal optimist!

What is your hidden superhero power? Momentum

Biggest superhero inspiration: It's a mix between Werner Erhard (a champion of transformation), Mother Teresa (selfless contribution to the world), Madonna (knows what she wants and goes after it) and Oprah (inspires the world).

Who am I?

2008-07-03T12:44:00.004-05:00

So I scheduled an identity crisis this month. I figured it was time to do some soul searching. Figure out what I am going to choose to have my life be about. But not philosophically. As a practice. What is going to be the "doing" of my life for the next 10 years or so?

There are a lot of potential answers to this question. I have led a fragmented and diverse life so far. And at some point it becomes clear that one needs to specialize. So I am exploring this. I am talking to the people in my life. Asking them questions. Here are some questions:

1. What do you think is really important to me?

2. What are my strengths?

3. What are my weaknesses?

So women, what do you think? Please leave comments or shoot me an email. XOXO

Financial Well Being

2008-07-01T23:10:00.003-05:00

Part of my mind, body, spirit development is managing my financial well being. I've been surviving and struggling with my money situation for the past 10 years.

With no income and falling behind on bills, things have been extremely tough in the past seven months.

This has had a huge impact on my health. It's been very serious and at times I thought I could not go on and get past this.

I've held an image in my mind of having more than enough money where I'd be handing it out like people who grow tomatoes. And I've held an image in my mind of writing out large sums of money at one time to the bill collectors.

I started talking to people about this and was referred to someone who paid their debt off. This person shared ways to arrange settlements with credit card companies.

Today, two years later, I arranged my first settlement! The company settled for 50% off the total amount.

I really want people to get that they can make it through ANY situation; get in communication, take action and don’t give up!

Tomorrow

2008-06-29T20:09:00.002-05:00

So I've been playing the "I'll do it tomorrow" game with a few things in my life that are important to me, like exercise. I am still exercising about 4 times a week, but it's not to the level of intensity that I have been striving for and I'm still not waking up early in the morning consistently like I would like to.

Thankfully, today, I heard this "tomorrow" conversation going on in my head. I had a very easy workout yesterday and told myself yesterday, "You'll work out hard tomorrow". Well, guess what I was trying to tell myself today? Yep, same thing, "You'll work out hard tomorrow." Except today, I was going to skip exercise completely. I knew I had to take immediate action or I sensed it would get more difficult to motivate myself to exercise if I kept putting it off and allowing myself to continue saying "You'll do it tomorrow".

So I gave myself a time to work out, put on my exercise clothes and went outside. It was gorgeous, I exercised for 40 minutes and tomorrow, I'm exercising again!

Prayer as Healing Source

2008-06-25T20:39:00.005-05:00

I've been balancing all aspects of my life to create my overall 'well' life. This past weekend I decided to go to church, after a long absence. When I've attended before, it filled me with an inner peace and sense of contentment.

They have a prayer book where one can list anyone they wish to send prayers to so I added my friend, Kenny, who is dealing with pancreatic cancer.

Today, I came across this video clip 'Prayer as Healing Source':
http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/index.php?cl=8513496

Please take a moment to review this.

I've experienced prayer making a difference in my life and the life of others. No matter what religion or no religion; it's an energy of love. Please send your prayers and loving thoughts to my friend Kenny.

2008-06-20T18:01:00.002-05:00

This collage was originally created and entitled "I don't have a creative bone in my body". Now I look at it in lioght of all that is going on, and I see something quite different. The blank canvas has STAYED really blank, the stony-faced thinker- Yeah, everything is EASY, and the distractions, distractions, distractions all around.
I just love to pay attention to those distractions in moments like this. I do know that I choose them to carry me away. (There's more...)

Juggling It All Keeps A Woman Healthy

2008-06-17T21:49:00.006-05:00

I came across an interesting article, Career + motherhood = healthy women. It stated: "The researchers found that women who had been homemakers most of their lives were most likely to report poor health, followed by single mothers and childless women.

Homemakers tended to gain weight more quickly and had the highest rate of obesity at 38% while women who were employees, wives and mothers had the lowest. "

My career has been on again off again since being a mom for the past 11 years. I spent the majority of the time as a single mom and the rest as a homemaker.

I've noticed how difficult it's been to stay on the fit track. This article sheds some light on the subject. Looking back, the times when I was working, even part time, dealing with my weight and fitness schedule wasn't such an issue as it is now since being home full time.

Here I've been concerned about juggling working full time, mom and wife. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to returning to work in the very near future.

One day at a time

2008-06-16T21:13:00.003-05:00

Right now I'm frustrated with myself. I have been telling myself for months that I want to wake up early and exercise AND I've done it a few times. I'm really good at it when I'm traveling for work but crappy at it when I'm at home and lately, I've been home more than I've been traveling.

Now that it's summer time, I want to take advantage of the early morning sun, the warm weather and that peaceful time I can have to myself in the country with me and nature.

It becomes ridiculously overwhelming in my mind if I were to make a commitment to wake up the rest of this week and exercise, so I'm going to take it one day at a time and promise to wake up tomorrow morning and do something physical for 30 minutes. I'll keep you posted!

Right now, I'm going to get ready for bed so I can wake up and be rested! Good night.

Critters and sense of self

2008-06-14T00:04:00.003-05:00

I was just looking at the photo of me and my horse, Buddy, on the web page. I moved to New Mexico SO THAT I could fulfill on a promise to hime. I told him that we'd have a ranch someday. He does, and as much as he loves it, he has aged visibly in the last two years. So have I. The climate is tough on organisms.
So I am upset. We have a houseful of long-anticipated guests, and our kitty had to move down to the barn for a week. I LOVE my animals. We drove out from California with my cat Bart on the console of the car. He was such an awesome traveller. He was nineteeen years old, and he lived here for about six months. He died as a result of the tainted cat food scandal last February.
Enough said about the critters. Just to say that I am so affected by the presence or absence of animals. This blog is a tribute to the extraordinary contribution that animals are to to many people's lives.

Balance

2008-06-12T13:48:00.003-05:00

In this fast paced world I find that I need the balance of good friends, fun times, travel, exercise and the arts to keep me grounded. Lately it seems that illness and death are all around me. I’ve been making sure to get exercise and have been monitoring my eating as I tend to give up on both when life becomes more hectic than usual. I also find that doing fun things with my girlfriends helps to lighten the atmosphere and bring about peace. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m dancing again and have taken African, Horton (modern) and Jazz classes this week. What a thrill!

All three dance methods have provided different challenges for my brain, body and soul. The African dance utilizes isolated movements that allow your body to gyrate quickly; The Horton also utilizes isolation, but is filled with technique of flat backs, tabletops and T’s. (Here, I could see where I need to develop more strength!); and jazz was quick & playful, forcing me to be focused and on top of my game! The joy of dancing and fun of seeing “Sex in The City” with one of my girlfriends provided balance through an otherwise rough week.

Call for R & R

2008-06-10T22:08:00.003-05:00

I've been experiencing an annoying eye twitch for the past month. This weekend it increased quite a bit.

I googled it and found: Our bodies are remarkable machines, capable of doing extraordinary and unusual things at times. Eye twitching may be nothing more than a sign you need to take it easy, or need a little R&R, as much as it may be a sign that something more serious is going on.

I found another site that recommends contacting a physician if they do not disappear within a 7 day week. I will be scheduling an appointment this week.

I DON'T relax or take much time for R&R. This weekend I ended up with a cold/flu bug and was down for 3 days; a forced R&R. Interesting, the eye twitch lightened up quite a bit.

Could this be why the weight is not going down?

I'm taking one simple step this week to add R&R to my life - I'm purchasing outdoor lounge chairs for my husband and I to share in this time in our backyard. Something so simple, yet so valuable for all of us.

R&R without sickness!

Taking a break!

2008-06-09T20:24:00.005-05:00

The past week I have lost weight and I haven't even been trying. I went on a trip to a seminar called "The Best Weekend Ever", bathed in the fresh water springs of Enota Springs, Georgia, and participated in a sweat lodge.

I also was sick for a day after I got back and that was from my braveness (or stupidity) to try a fermented drink that I let ferment in 100+ degree car while I was gone. Definitely not a good idea! But the good thing was that I was forced to rest for a day.

One of the main things I took away from the weekend was how much of an unnatural environment (like sitting in front of a computer under florescent lights) and not getting enough sunlight, fresh air, nature and relaxation has a negative impact on my health.

I not only rested during this past week but was also extremely happy and stress was extremely low as I experienced the weight loss. I'm beginning to think there's a strong correlation to all of this.

Wellbeing - Handled

2008-06-07T09:01:00.003-05:00

There are many aspects of wellbeing to have handled. The area I’m struggling to find peace over is my financial wellbeing. Recently I refinanced my home and took out extra monies to pay off a home equity line of credit. I deposited the check into my daily account and the money never made it to its intended destination. Due to the nature of the freelance world, I haven’t been bringing in the bacon as I could and this ‘little’ mistake has caused me much grief. Fortunately the funds are there and my ‘bootie’ is covered, but I find myself living in a state of disruption and dis-ease. It’s clear to me how worry, fret, fear and uneasiness can cause just that, disease. I’ve not been at ease and find myself on the verge of tears at really unlikely moments. So, I’m creating a new possibility to live into right now. The possibility of being free and at ease. The actions I’m taking are getting unfinished business complete so that I’ll know just where I stand financially while maintaining my new eating, sleep and exercise routines, so that I have energy to keep myself grounded and healthy. That’s worth living into!!

I can survive anything.

2008-06-04T19:10:00.001-05:00

I did this collage at a Developmental Program session this past weekend. So dark. It’s called, I can survive anything”. While investigating this, came to find out that the more I am successful at surviving something (anything), the more it reinforces that there really is something for me to survive. Yikes. That’s not livin’.

Perhaps I have been surviving my current level of physical fitness, or worse yet, enduring it!

Whew! That done and said, I so enjoyed being near Yosemite. What beautiful country that is! Every course session required a hike up a hill, and it felt great. Part of my well-being is clearly being with people, and sharing my passion. I feel so alive when that is what I am doing. It may not build biceps, but it definitely builds a muscle to create, to be inspired, to inspire.

Just Another Excuse?

2008-06-03T23:16:00.003-05:00

Now I hear the first step to getting fit is loving oneself. I started to google this today: "How to Love Myself". Came up with all kinds of directions to take. I noticed this is just another stall tactic for me, important, yes, but taking this path will have me take on more exploration versus time on doing what needs to be done - food intake education and management along with exercise - cardio and strength training. The things I know makes the body I want.

I've researched personal trainers with nutrition and diet backgrounds, interviewed one today 2 minutes from my house and scheduled an hour long evaluation this week. I even got the $100 evaluation fee waived because they opened a new location near my home! Action, action, action.

New structures, responsible structures for me for what I'm up to and ones to support the areas I know I'm weak in. I found someone that will help me with what I need to eat and when and a new mix of exercise, an actual plan, something to work towards. Someone that has devoted their life to this.

I look forward to updating progress.

Dancing about architecture

2008-06-02T12:10:00.004-05:00

Here's the honest truth. It's started to seem a little silly to me lately to keep talking (blogging) about physical fitness. It's kind of like dancing about architecture. I mean really, it's harder and harder for me to see the value of engaging about my health in a realm that doesn't impact health. You know? Like dancing about architecture. It doesn't build buildings. And talking doesn't create health and fitness.

Well-being may be a different issue. Well-being does seem at least to some extent to live in the realm of language. But fitness it seems to me lives purely in the structural. Weight goes up, weight goes down. Heart rate goes up, heart rate goes down. What could I possibly say about all that that would make a difference?

So that's where I am.

Well-Being II

2008-05-29T23:24:00.002-05:00

Well-being. What is it, I ask myself again. On different days, at different times, my response may be different.

Well-being looks like being resilient, focused, self-confident and physically well in the face of any circumstance. I notice with what mind-swirling immediacy my default thinking kicks in when circumstances present themselves that I say are confronting. What makes them confronting is that they create an environment that forces my engagement with and in the UNKNOWN. Not many people buy vacation packages for that destination! Despite my resistance, I am certain that any experiences that demand engagement with the unknown will result in extraordinary personal growth. Sometimes this growth is tough to see, because it actually transforms me, and I am unable to look BACK and COMPARE. Oh well.

Well-being shows up when I am willing to take a stand and pursue my dreams NO MATTER WHAT. Most people die by the time they are 25, but they aren’t buried until they’re 75 or 80. That’s because they fail to act and ignore their dreams.

The Best Weekend Ever!

2008-05-29T22:04:00.002-05:00

Hey Women Going Down fans,

I'm going to be at the Best Weekend Ever (BWE) this weekend in Atlanta! It's a have-the-best-health-and-nutrition seminar, and living-life-from-consciousness education seminar (at least that's what I'm guessing it will be). David Wolfe, a passionate and magnetic raw food speaker and motivator, is the main mastermind behind this event. I am excited beyond words to go!

I am also giving you a heads up that I will not be blogging on Sunday as I'm scheduled since I'll be soaking up the BWE atmosphere in its fullest. I will report and share my experiences next week.

Whatever you are doing this weekend, make sure YOU have the Best Weekend Ever!

Love, Phat

From Love as a Noun to Love as a Verb

2008-05-29T17:34:00.003-05:00

I have a pattern where I’m overweight in relationships. I saw how much of a controlling bitch I am in relationships with men. It's been eating at me the way I've been. It causes an inner self hate, self loathing and soul diminishing downward spiral for me.

My predictable future will be divorce, misery and a life living alone, sad and withdrawn.

I saw how much hate and lashing out I've done to my husband. I've been unwilling to let go of this controlling way; until today. I've been waiting for this to go away versus creating a new way of being that would cause miraculous and joyful relationships.

I'm creating a new practice in my life; the practice of ‘being’ loving. I’m creating a list - "50 Ways to Keep a Lover" list; including - writing a love letter to my husband each day until he returns this weekend; a foot rub, a back rub, etc. I’m sending this list to a friend/coach and will update her on the progress the next few weeks.

Being loving will take something on my part to manage; especially to myself. I will post reminders on my bathroom mirror, kitchen cabinet, etc.

In The Family

2008-05-26T18:03:00.006-05:00

I attended a screening of In The Family, a film which follows Joanna Rudnick, a 32 year old filmmaker, as she deals with testing positive for the BRCA gene (Coming October 7th to P.O.V. on PBS.) In the film Joanna toils with the decision of whether or not to have her breasts and ovaries removed or to risk, against incredible odds, developing cancer.

Two weeks ago I wrote about the loss of my sister-in-law’s sister, Mary, to Breast Cancer. She has a 17 year old daughter, who will be attending school about one hour from my home and is likely struggling with the question of ‘do I carry the BRCA gene?' The day before Mary passed, her sister asked me if I would be available for Lanie. Now, faced with the reality of being a role model and friend to this lovely young lady, the significance of the message of In The Family is very high on my radar screen. Not only do I want to pass along this information to Lanie, but to every woman, because we all know someone who can benefit. More info, click links.

Update on My Big Game

2008-05-25T21:12:00.002-05:00

I've other than won my Big Game that I created on April 6th. I said I would weigh 125 lbs and lose 5% body fat by May 15th. I was not home on that day to measure so I am using my readings from today which is 132.4 lbs and I'm down 1% body fat. I also have not scheduled a time with the photographer to take my pictures on June 15th.

What's at the source of not accomplishing my goals? Not being 100% committed, not stepping beyond my comfort levels and not putting myself 100% into it. I didn't act like it was going to happen. I was expecting it to happen to me rather than me causing it to happen. I chose staying in bed over exercise even though I knew I would get into an exercise groove if I just took the first step and started an exercise program in the morning. I left my exercise to the afternoons and evenings and either got too busy or did them half-heartedly.

I'm recommitting to reaching my goal by June 28th and I'm creating myself as the possibility of strength, passion and beauty!

Read the Fine Print

2008-05-22T19:37:00.002-05:00

My annual pap and mammogram tests came back normal. Super. My cholesterol panel came back with less stellar results. Although my overall cholesterol was lower than last year, my “bad” cholesterol was higher- up from a nasty 160 last year to a shocking 170 this year. I was living a pretty righteous life over the past year, like- it doesn’t affect me.

Was driving the other day, and all of a sudden, I had a complete inability to open my left eye fully. I actually had paralysis of part of my face. It lasted for a couple of minutes, and the good news is- I paid attention to it, and all is well now. I haven’t had it checked out yet, but- could that be symptomatic of a mini-stroke. Now I am not feeling so righteous. I am a little afraid. High cholesterol/heart disease/stroke. There’s plenty of research to substantiate those relationships- notwithstanding family history. How does a five-way bypass sound?

Then (all this sent as cosmic messengers), on the radio yesterday, I heard a report out of Philadelphia about menus on well-trafficked restaurants that offer nutritional information for “healthy offerings/weight watchers/guiltless” sections. Bottom line is- the calorie count was usually MUCH higher than the number listed, with the exception, it seemed of some of the salads. The fat grams, however, including the salads, generally were 3-5 times higher than what was listed. One of the three major chains represented was not even apologetic. That leaves, realistically, ONE source I can rely on to prepare food that is probably “safe” for me to eat- ME. A fair warning to all. I have relied on those nutritional synopses on menus, and will no longer.

Sex drive is given by being present

2008-05-17T16:47:00.003-05:00

We women today were discussing the difference between interest and disinterest in sex. As far as we can tell, it comes down to being present. It's easy to take bodies for granted. To overlook the corner of elbow, the blade of shoulder, the sheen of skin, and the delicate tangle of hair that may lie next to you nightly.

But being present turns everything into a small adventure. Every night an opportunity for exploration. It's part of loving yourself. It's a gift to others.

What Is Well-Being?

2008-05-14T17:31:00.003-05:00

It’s work, It’s a journey, It’s a commitment. I have said all of this in relation to my well-being.

Yes, well, Maybe.

It’s a relationship. It’s a relationship with myself for and about my well-being. It’s a relationship with others who are vital and interested and energized. It’s a relationship with my own body as the vehicle willing and able to transport me through all of the experiences that I get to call my life. How could I not honor that?

As quickly as I forget, as I live in being accustomed to what I have, and how I live, just as quickly I can draw my own attention back to the miracle that it is to be here, and to be very much alive!

I am travelling, united in travel, in fact, with the women of WGD. I brought my swimsuit because there is a pool here, and it is unseasonably warm. This has been a week for miracles. They are showing up right, left, and center in the lives of everyone I know. I am holding the space wide open for miracles in my own life, too. I will let the warm weather and having a bathing suit with me be a miracle worth celebrating.

Dare To Be 100

2008-05-14T11:27:00.004-05:00

I've had things in place such as a 5K run, triathlons, weddings, reunions, etc. that kept me in action to stay fit. This is not a big enough future.

I came across an article written by, Dr. Walter Bortz, one of America's well-known scientific experts on aging and professor of medicine at Stanford University. Dr. Bortz has written many books on living longer. I am currently reviewing: 'Living Longer For Dummies', 'We Live Too Short and Die Too Long', and 'Dare To Be 100'.

Dr. Bortz and his wife are 77. He runs 16 miles a week and recently completed the Las Vegas Marathon.

I was so inspired that I immediately emailed him. He replied within an hour. I shared with him my commitment to human vitality and my concerns when I hear young people say they'll take care of themselves when older. I want to partner with him to shift this conversation.

Dr. and Mrs. Bortz invited me to meet tomorrow in their California home to discuss this in further detail. I'll keep you posted.

Dare to Be 100 is a future worth living into and one I am taking on wholeheartedly.

Coming Home

2008-05-12T09:22:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, something happens then we give up our passions.

In 1994, after dancing for years, I tore my ACL. Since then my knee strength & confidence have waned. After the injury I became busy earning a living, proving myself to be ‘adult’. In the meantime, dancing went to the wayside and I got serious and, seriously out of shape.

Last summer I agreed to teach a workshop this July. It’s been 14 years since I’ve danced! Am I crazy, or what?

Two weeks ago I found a class. The following day, wearing a borrowed leotard, I was moving to the rhythm of live drums in Detroit. Since then I’ve taken four more Dunham classes from my college instructor and her teacher. I am thrilled to be dancing again!

I’d thought my dancing days were over! I became numb to the passion I had for movement and there has been such a ‘missing’ in my life.

Now, I have a new, yet familiar arena to play in. And,I’m feeling better than ever!

Thanks to my participation with WGD I have the strength and confidence to go for it. And I am!!

It’s so great to be home!

It's a success!

2008-05-11T13:12:00.002-05:00

The Gratitude Garden officially started yesterday. Approximately 10 were present to contribute their time and efforts, and we now have plants in the ground!

In honor of the garden's name, I'm grateful for:

- Community - for coming together to make the garden happen (and pretty much anything worthwhile in life). I'm clear that I couldn't have done this alone, nor would I have wanted to. It's fulfilling to share the experience.

- Nature - for its beauty and innate wisdom. It was refreshing to be outside. There's something healing about being in nature and fresh air.

- Exercise - I got a whole-body workout! That's a gardening bonus, IMO.

- Being provided for - it was amazing how rain, people and things appeared at the times that they did. For example, we needed rain to lock in the straw and water the plants since the water isn't hooked up yet. The rain started as we were leaving!

- Courage - to go beyond my usual way of life to make something possible for myself and others. This Gratitude Garden is the seed of a new community; I can only dream of what it will be.

I love the Women of WomenGoingDown

2008-05-08T19:35:00.002-05:00

This is a journey, it's growth and development, it takes courage, and produces miracles. There's no place to get to, there is just to be. That is the experience I have of myself and my life when I am participating in and with WomenGoingDown.
The world is starting to bust open and bust loose. Sometimes I am thrilled by it, and sometimes I am terrified.
I have experienced more sadness and grief in the last few months than I have in many years. In the past two weeks, I have received compliments from strangers. I have been allowing myself to feel more, and despite the pain of it, I am sitting here realizing that I am actually more alive. The big breakdowns are gifts. (How I hate to hear this.)
They make possible the biggest breakthroughs.
I have set things in motion in my life, and can no longer turn back. It's GREAT, and I have no idea what it's going to develop into! It requires partnerships, and turning over how I think it should look or be. How does that look with WGD? Somehow, I am still pulling on the reins and not turning something something something over to the group. I am still managing how I think it should go.
That's not working out so well, as I feel stingy, and the results I talk about are not being produced. I have clung to being an individual in this group of miraculously divine women. Hooray- I'll declare this a personal breakdown, and celebrate the breakthrough ahead!!!!!

What Not Why

2008-05-06T22:27:00.004-05:00

I am committed each week to grow in the area of my well being. This week I eliminated caffeine, limited (drastically) my sugar intake. I'm adding yoga at least once per week and looking at adding a Superfood product to take care of the damage I've done to my body and to strengthen and rebuild new life into my body. Some of my fellow Women Going Down friends recommended E3Live.

I've been complaining, confused, pissed off - making myself wrong for my fat condition. None of this has been making a difference. I've been in the 'why' is my body like this. 'Why' is it taking so much work to lose this weight? Why, why, why. The victim role was not producing results.

I thought today, what if I took on being fit. Thinking fit. Taking 'fit' actions.
Today was amazing. I ate well throughout the day and prepared a fantastic healthy dinner. All with ease. My husband, son and I went for a late night 1 hour walk.

I emailed someone asking if they'd like to be my running buddy.

What I'm going to do not why am I like this will produce the results I'm committed to.

Telling the Truth!

2008-05-05T15:58:00.002-05:00

So this is what's going on: I've been acting like a 3 year old, sneaking sugar here and there and eating sprinkles (that you put on cakes) out of the plastic container. I've been nibbling on sour candies, munching chocolate behind closed doors and snacking like crazy on crunchy carbs. I've been lazy and piggish and, all I know is it's time for me to quit being resistant to being the amazing, fabulous, disciplined woman I know I can be. I've been there during this program and I was flying high. I know what it looks and feels like and, I'm holding myself small! All there really is to do is cut the B.S. and get it together. As I was sneaking sprinkles from the cabinet, I asked myself what age that conversation was? No more sneaking around! Time to upgrade the "I don't want to," "I want it," "I don't know how," "I can't do it," conversations and get to the 44 year old conversation of, "this is my body, my choice, my opportunity to be healthy and fit and, I know how to do it and am willing to do it because I'm worth it, ALL of it!"

Being a body

2008-05-05T13:26:00.000-05:00

I realized something this week, crewing on a film I am producing. I don't live in my body. I live in my head. This is a problem because it means that my body is not alive and working and being used up. It's just a vessel for my brain and mind.

This week I carried stuff, climbed stairs, walked a lot, and had to use the strength of my body to get things done. This was a new thing for me in recent years. I remembered how much I miss BEING in my body. And it really explains the current shape of it.

So my new thing now is doing stuff that requires me to use my body so I can get back to the place where that was how I lived - in my body.

Gardening as Exercise

2008-05-04T21:25:00.001-05:00

I am officially a gardener! This past weekend, I went to Steve's house to learn his No Till Gardening method that I'm now planning on using at my garden. Then I went to my yard and prepared for this Saturday's first Gratitude Garden event.

I have heard before that gardening is a good way to get exercise and to be honest, I thought it was a bunch of hooey. I was amazed at the muscles that were worked and the breath that was being generated while I was raking the yard. That was actually the side benefit as the best part about gardening was being outside, enjoying the fresh air, listening to the birds and wind blow the trees and feeling the warmth of the sun. I had no idea I would enjoy gardening so much - and I don't even have produce yet!

I did some research on gardening and discovered that someone my size (135 lbs) burns approximately 250 calories for an hours' worth of gardening. I'm looking forward to see the new muscles that are developing. They will probably start to blossom about the same time as my garden. :)

Whose Birthday Is It?

2008-05-02T11:03:00.004-05:00

It’s my 46th birthday tomorrow. Now I know what 46 looks like. And I also don’t know what it looks like. When I was contemplating this post, I had an idea of what I meant by that- that I don’t know what it looks like. As I compose, much more depth, and access to a completely different perspective on what that means are materializing…

I got a copy of Dr. Abravanel’s Body Type Diet on Naughty Zoot’s recommendation. One of the ways to identify your body type is to look at drawings of various body types and select that which resembles you. As I looked through, I was so irritated that I had no idea which of these detailed drawings I most resembled. I thought, “Oh, crap, now I’ll have to read through ALL of it, then go back and match my body to the drawing.” I put the book aside, intending to “get back to it” this weekend.

Here’s the thing I just got- My God- how disconnected and unrelated I am to my own body, in which I have lived, on which I have depended, for 46 years, and I don’t know what it looks like. Next- how willing I am to put off anything that has to do with my well-being (particularly fitness). I had a cholesterol screening this morning, and I am HOPING it will turn out better than last year. I hardly did anything to ensure that that would be the case.

There’s more- this is how I lose power.

From Ditching To Dancing

2008-04-30T21:43:00.004-05:00

I’ve been so confronted and upset about my life with my husband. He’s not ‘healthy' to my standards. I’ve felt like a nagging mother. I basically laid it on the line, step out or your out.

I noticed how fixed and controlling I was being. With the help of one of my fellow Women Going Down friends, she helped me see that there was another role I could play instead of ending our marriage. I could bring play and fun to the situation versus my serious, intense way of dealing with things that aren't going my way.

Recalling I could choose another role shifted my entire life with my husband in mere moments. He invited me to go on a long, brisk walk this morning.

My husband shared a saying he read this morning - 'praise the light instead of cursing the darkness'. He read this for himself but I saw this for me and my life. I had been 'cursing the darkness' in every area of my life killing off all fun, joy and happiness.

We had an enjoyable and renewing day together. Thank you Naughty for being there for me to turn my marriage from darkness to light!

To Your Breast Health!!

2008-04-28T23:45:00.003-05:00

Breast Health is vitally important. According to Healthcastle.com, “breast cancer is the most common cancer in women worldwide”.

Today I celebrate Mary, my sister-in-law’s sister, who fought breast cancer for the last 5 years and lost that battle this morning. Mary, only 42 years old, 2 years my junior, proceeds her loving husband and her three children ages 17, 13 and 11 to the next phase of existence; She leaves behind a loving and wonderful family, siblings and many friends.

In honor of Mary and all women who have and will live with breast cancer, I urge you to have regular mammograms (beginning at age 37 for a baseline) every year from age 40.

“Breast cancer is hormone related, and the factors that modify the risk of breast cancer when diagnosed premenopausally and when diagnosed postmenopausally are not the same”.

Information is available online and from your healthcare practitioner. Ask questions of your family for history; from your doctor for information and from your community to see where/how you can support yourself and other women with breast health. I urge you to complete monthly self exams and to be rigorous with your breast health. Your life depends on it!

Gratitude Garden

2008-04-27T23:04:00.005-05:00

I have never had a garden in my life, but 6 weeks ago, I decided to start a community garden in my rural town. I'm calling it the Gratitude Garden and I'm starting it because..

I want...

freshly picked, organically and locally grown vegetables made available to me and my community at an affordable price
to create a community that is inspired about and feeling the benefits of eating healthy
to use the garden as a place where kids and families can learn about nutrition and gardening
to develop a strong sense of community

In doing my research, I've found that community gardens typically create all of this and then some. Here are some of the benefits of community gardening

In one study, 89% ate more fresh vegetables than usual and 96% planned to eat more fresh vegetables all year round
Improved psychological and social well being
Increased physical activity. Gardening has been ranked a moderate to heavy intensity physical activity and in one study, a significant reduction in total cholesterol, HDL cholesterol and systolic blood pressure was associated with either walking or gardening

If you want to start a garden, there are a plethora of resources. There might even be a community garden near you!

Just the facts, Ma'am.

2008-04-27T10:27:00.004-05:00

So for the last 2 weeks I have been tracking stuff. Big stuff and little stuff. I've recorded everything I've put in my mouth. I've tracked my exercise (what shameful little of it there was). I've also tracked my feelings, physical sensations of bloat and heaviness, bodily functions, and moods. Fear, sadness, laziness, make-wrong. I've also kept track of where else in life I am keeping my word or not. I've recorded it all, every day. And here is what I can say so far:

1. Knowing all the facts makes it easier to live with myself - if I ate too much one day; it's over at sundown, and the next day starts afresh.

2. It's all related. Coffee for one seems to elevate my sense of self-criticism and paranoia for a period of 48 hours. Wheat and sugar leave me bloated for 24. And splurging at lunch leads to shirking afternoon duties.

Not that any of this is news. But it's very different to see the facts there in black and white. You are what you eat, people. For me, cupcakes might as well be called puffy-fatigued-self-hatred-cakes. Those are just the cold, hard facts. Drama optional.

No Self Love- Pricey!

2008-04-24T19:13:00.001-05:00

What I have really noticed that I am dragging around is this notion of being alone, doing this alone. What I mean by that is that there is not another person HERE with me , going to the gym with me, encouraging me, and being a stand for me as I play the game of lifelong fitness. I am so mulish about acknowledging that I AM THE ONE. I am, in fact, the only one that really makes a difference for me.

The question “Do you love yourself?’ came up at work. Everyone at the table said yes except me. I was really not present to loving myself in that moment. What I WAS present to was the impact of NOT loving myself. In that moment I was a victim, and others around me got to treat me like one.

That’s not who I am. I like to indulge in it once in a while, but I notice that the price for not loving myself is so damn high.

I have a promise for the world. Living inside it gives purpose to all that I do. By 2018, I promise a world in which all people are championed for the contribution that they are.
Inside that, I have a promise for WomenGoingDown. By 2018, I promise a world in which all women love and cherish themselves, and are championed for being the source of what is possible for humanity.

What are Health and Wellness

2008-04-22T22:14:00.002-05:00

I read an interesting article that I thought you might enjoy reading. Read chapter "What are Health and Wellness". Author writes:

"Wellness is thus a journey that has many intermediate milestones but no final endpoints."

"Wellness . . . is devoted to the promotion of a strategy or philosophy that will help you achieve an optimal level of physical and psychological well-being AND enjoy a wonderfully successful and satisfying life of consequence."

"Wellness is about perspective, about balance and about the big picture. It is a lifestyle and a personalized approach to living your life in such a way that you enjoy maximum freedom, including freedom FROM illness/disability and premature death to the extent possible, and freedom TO experience life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It is a declaration of independence for becoming the best kind of person that your potentials, circumstances and fate will allow."

"Wellness, we must repeat, is a process of being, not a state of being. Furthermore, wellness and the striving for it must be seen as facilitating a better life, not as creating for us a series of hurdles that must be overcome."

Standing for ME

2008-04-21T23:53:00.000-05:00

Social-irresponsible mode appears instantly when I have friends visiting. This past weekend was perfect evidence. In an effort to ‘be available’ for our visit I didn’t exercise at all. It was pathetic. I see that I change my priorities and don’t manage myself to ‘have it all’. My guest was thoroughly impressed though, when she informed me that we had 20 minutes before we had to depart (and I had just woken up) to pick her friend up from the airport. Not only did I whip up a tasty, nutritious vegetable juice but also made an omelet, cleaned up the mess and got dressed and out the door on-time, with healthy snack in hand.

While I know I’m flexing a muscle and have been putting a lot of new structures (to manage) in place to support my efforts, my concern is that spring is here, I live in a great social town and I’ll have a lot of visitors in the weeks ahead.

I don’t want to be a weekly wellbeing Goddess then reckless on the weekends. To get back in the game, despite the hour (10:50p) I just went for a late night run

I’m taking a stand: ME.

The amazing gifts of commitment

2008-04-20T23:13:00.000-05:00

I promised myself a 30 minute brisk walk on the beach today. After 20 minutes, I was bored and wanted to return to the car but kept my promise to go for 30.

It was at this time that my experience of the walk shifted. I suddenly became aware that I was not enjoying my walk because I was not 100% committed. I was just getting through it and surviving it, waiting for the 30 minute mark.

Wow! What a difference a shift in awareness and being committed can make. Almost immediately, I was inspired to push myself to run up the sand hill on the beach. I did and my brisk walk went from an easy workout to a challenging one. I could feel my heart pumping faster, my muscles in my legs being used and my lungs breathing harder.

I ended up doing 5 more hill sprints and 5 extra minutes. Amazingly, time flew by the last half of the workout.

Oh, how I've missed being "in the zone" during my workouts, pushing my body (and myself) and having fun! You can bet I'm bringing that back to my routine.

Holy Workouts, Batman!

2008-04-19T18:03:00.000-05:00

I'm in Philadelphia, visiting my brother, and we have a history of loving to work out hard and walking around in pain afterwards/watching movies and eating great food. I've been here since Thursday, and it's been intense! We ran sprints, went to a gymnastics class, went biking, went to a "boot camp" class on the steps of the art museum (by the Rocky statue), and went on a 30 minute run. And tomorrow, we're going to a cardio kickboxing class.

I have to say, I haven't felt this great in a long time. It's incredible how much the body loves to move once it really gets used to it. The fun workout buddy, to me, is one of the best supports to a healthy, active life. It's so amusing to us when we reach our hand up or move our leg, and we wince in pain. A little masochistic overtraining, who know it would be SO MUCH FUN!

The grass is not greener, it's just on the other side of the fence.

2008-04-17T19:02:00.001-05:00

This week has been zipping by, and I have the sense that my productivity has increased. I have not had the manicure that I said I would have by Wednesday, so I recommit to this weekend for a spa for my fingers. I have been eating LESS, and choosing better food. I notice that my husband has order more healthy food if I have ordered something healthy. I will continue to monitor that, as I will be delighted to be responsible for generating healthfulness around me.

It’s Thursday, so it’s a day I committed to work out. Looks like a mile walk is in my future tonight. Despite the fact that more and more and more circumstances present themselves, as if to challenge me, I remain calm. Within the calm, my productivity, and more gloriously, my inspiration have increased.

Juicing Your Way to Great Health

2008-04-14T23:28:00.006-05:00

I bought a juicer and am having a blast with it!! The accompanying books show beautiful fruity drinks and luscious recipes. Immediately, I bought oranges, carrots and strawberries and enjoyed many delightful combinations. I've been conscientious about my portions and frequency of juicing. My concern is, “am I enjoying too much sugar and will I start gaining weight?” I looked online and I'm glad I did. I found that there are different types of juicing to be enjoyed by varying body types. But most importantly I found that carrots, oranges and beets contain too much sugar for continuous consumption. I'm glad I found this out early in the game as I incorporate juicing into my health and nutrition practices.

For dinner tonight I enjoyed a kale/mixed green lettuce/broccoli/celery/beat and orange pepper with ginger juice and mixed the pulp into Fage yogurt for my protein source. It was a light and delicious meal. Next up is doing more research and incorporating healthy fats into each meal.

(Click here to view my personal page where I highlight 30 Days of Celebrating my Body, altering the context from which I view it. This week’s entries: Feet, Ankles, Calves, Knees, Quads and Skin).

Liquid Fast

2008-04-13T00:26:00.003-05:00

Saturday, I did a one day liquid fast. Ever since the launch of Spring, I've had the thought to do a juice cleanse as it makes sense to do some Spring cleaning on myself in honor of the change of the season.

My fast consisted of marine phytoplankton, coconut water kefir, kombucha, herbal tea, juicing organic spinach, celery, lemon and apples, and brewing my special Chinese tea of ho shou wu, reishi, astragalus, angelica root, date, goji and schizandra berries.

I'm not going to lie, I was hungry at times. But I was amazed at how quickly the hunger would pass or respond to liquid and rest. I was particularly surprised that I did so well as I was menstruating and usually eat the equivalent of a house while menstruating. So this was good for me to experience that my menstruation hunger is more emotional than I've been willing to admit.

Another benefit of my fast is the rejuvenation and cleansing of my spirit, body and mind. I've heard David Wolfe say on "The Best Day Ever" that when he is stressed, retreating, fasting, quiet and relaxation for a weekend will do wonders. I can now say that I agree!

Me and The Alamo

2008-04-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

I'm in San Antonio, TX. My crush is now my long-distance boyfriend, and I met him here for the wedding of his friends before he heads back to India. This morning I ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill in the hotel, and I'm so clear that without the marathon coming up, I would totally have bailed on my workout today. I know I'm doing the marathon, and I'm unwilling to fail miserably.

That being said, my body is changing -- I'm thinner and more fit, and it shows. My boyfriend's friends have been complimenting him on how "hot" I am. To the point of discomfort. I don't want my exercising, or anything else for that matter, to devolve into the hollow drive to always look good. I've done that enough in my life.

Gratitude update

2008-04-12T09:11:00.002-05:00

Today I am present to being grateful for my stomach, my internal workings that processes my food. I love this system and how it works.

I Created a Fitness Team. Thanks for the Inspiration!

2008-04-10T19:10:00.002-05:00

Queen- what magnificent posts! It is miraculous to observe what happens when we give our word. Rigor- I have taken it on, and here is what is showing up…. I promised that I would work out Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and I noticed that I was already thinking about it early in the week. I was actually delighting in what I was going to choose to do.

A big change this week is that I have looked, I mean really looked, at my body, naked, and I have accepted it. The shape is good, the layer of cellulite is probably not healthy, so I took that on as a target. I have avoided really looking at my body for a long time. I usually glance at it. Just like I glance at my face in the mirror. It was remarkable to be in the presence of myself.

Today is Thursday (the first promised day). Our car broke down last night in a city 3 hours away. My husband flew out to San Diego early this morning. I waited 3 ½ hours for the tow truck, and then tended to all that stuff. I thought about what I was and was not going to get done today as a result of the altered schedule, and did not spend ANY time thinking about how to get out of, or how was I possibly going to schedule exercise. I ended up doing things that I needed to complete FOR MYSELF, and spent a little bit of time on what others wanted. Those tasks were completed with remarkable velocity. So what about my fitness goals?

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE----------

2008-04-09T11:23:00.003-05:00

I had to write this now as I was looking at myself in the mirror preparing the face/hair for the day. My ugly thoughts are catching up with my outside world (I hate my skin, my hair is not thick/lush/long enough, my boobs are ugly, my stomach is fat and bulgy, etc., etc.).

Wrinkles and dark circles are popping out quickly, pimples are arising, my face shape is expanding, my hair is thinning out and getting dry, my stomach and boobs are expanding and taking a new shape of their own.

We call this and blame aging. THIS IS NOT 'AGING'S' FAULT! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS MESS, OUR THOUGHTS, OUR PERSONAL WAR AND ATTACK ON OUR BODIES IS KILLING US!

I am SO awake to this! I will be blogging daily in my blog section, daily gratitudes to begin rebuilding and creating a new figure, a new vessel, one of beauty, grace, power and strength.

If one throws organic, strong seeds on a pile of nuclear waste rubbish - do you think there will be any growth? All the work I do from the outside in will make no difference with all of my internal rubbish - TAKE CHARGE!

Frustration Abound

2008-04-08T22:01:00.003-05:00

Fat, fat, fat, fat and more fat. This has been the focus of my life since pre-puberty. I am VERY frustrated right now. My body, the things I have in place, this structure. My life has so much attention on my body, counting calories, exercise, am I losing 1-2 pounds per week, etc. My weight has increased since being a part of this program.

I watched The Secret and it talks about what we focus on and pay attention to is what we get. No wonder I have weight issues. A large portion of my life is focused on weight, so I get weight and more of it. I am not interested in continuing on with it. In this movie, one of the suggestions is to write (for 30 days) what you are grateful for. I'm going to do this about my body for 30 days, every day. I have an imbalanced perspective of my body. Right now the structures I have are adding more stress to my life. I cannot afford to put stress in my life.

I'm really looking at what will 'heal' my body. I will add the thought 'thank you for my healing'.

The "R" in Rigor and the "I" in Integrity!!!

2008-04-07T22:46:00.002-05:00

The women of WGD have a weekly phone call. Saturday’s call was transformational! What we distinguished is that we’re no longer playing like ‘Today’s the Day’ or ‘I’m the One’ (who’s going to alter my wellbeing). There hasn’t been much rigor in the game we’ve been playing because we all ‘love’ one another so much that we’re not willing to rock the boat and hold people accountable for what they’ve said they are going to do. Well, I’m a request that you all hold me to account for what I say I’m going to do. I’m putting the R back into Rigor and today I joyfully took on the game. I actually logged all of my food, water, exercise and even wrote a few notes into my journal. I have a few technical challenges these days, but will collage and post all of my collages (I have a few missing from the site, if you haven’t noticed…one is trapped in my uncharged camera [battery charger is lost]. I will have them all up) by Thursday, with a promise to be on time in the future with both my blogs and collages. I’m also putting the I back in Integrity.

My Big Game

2008-04-06T20:45:00.005-05:00

I finally created my big game, my future to live into in this program, my motivation! I'm excited and utterly shocked at the difference it is already making. I can't believe I've been putting it off for so long and can't believe I've been in denial that this would be the difference that's been missing for me.

I've been trained as a personal trainer to have my clients do this and having a future to live into is a core part of the training I've had with Landmark Education. It just goes to show that accountability and support are a blessing. (Thanks ladies!)

So my game is that by May 15th, I will weigh 125 lbs and lose 5% bodyfat and I will maintain until June 15th when I have a photo shoot with Rebecca.

Now I've known that these were my goals for some time, but what I didn't know were my reasons why. Here they are: I want to enjoy all activities; have more energy; be in line with who I say I am; love my life, myself and the people in my life; be confident with my body and fit into my "skinny" clothes.

Motto: vibrant mind, vibrant body

Yosemite and Pure Joy

2008-04-05T18:16:00.000-05:00

Well, it's here, the weekend with the crush in one of the most beautiful places in the United States. After our initial nervousness, we are having a blast! We hiked to the top of Yosemite Falls today, and, thanks to the marathon training, I found out that I'm in terrific cardio shape -- better shape than him, in fact! On the way down from the Falls, we ran for about a half hour, and at the end, the trail flattened out, and I sprinted. It was the most glorious feeling, heart open, life pulsing through my veins. There's so much more to fitness than looking good, there's pure joy.

Back in the game

2008-04-05T08:26:00.004-05:00

A friend asked me this week as a personal favor to her to start taking my wellbing seriously. I realized in that moment how very unseriously I have been taking it up until this point. Like it was ok for me to have half a milkshake and cheese fries because I wasn't eating too many of them. And it was ok if I didn't exercise because I wasn't eating too much, and I'm not gaining weight, so no need to push it, right? Not the behavior of someone who is taking her health seriously, like everything counts.

I realized how resigned I have become. Losing weight has not only not been a goal for me but it has actually been an impossibility. I have been complacent and content just not to gain weight, but I have not authentically been interested in losing weight for some time now.

So when I realized that, I went for a walk. I read a book about body types and diet. I am putting all of my supplements in the same place so I know what to take each morning. Just cleaning out the cobwebs of cynicism and no responsibility. I am back in the game for the first time in a while. And it feels pretty good

The Truth

2008-04-03T19:25:00.001-05:00

I have been so annoyed at my husband lately. He has made a few comments about the weight that we have gained, and about needing to get to the gym. I have been so insulted, as if to say, “How dare you even notice”! On top of it all, he asked how I was doing in WGD- if I were meeting my goals.

The truth is that I have gained 12 pounds in the last two years. It IS noticeable. The other truth is that I really just want to be a food and drinkaholic, and not be called on the carpet for it. I want to be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I also resist even entertaining the notion that my husband’s comments are intended to support my well-being!
I did go to the gym yesterday, and did dead lifts and squats, among other leg work. It felt great. So, I am recommitted. As it will require that I do EVERY day, to attending to my well-being through nutrition and exercise.

Fun and Fitness

2008-04-01T21:30:00.006-05:00

My 11 year old son took me roller blading for my 45th birthday. We skated for 2 hours! Beforehand, I tried convincing him to do it another night. I had this going on: I'm too tired, I just want to lay on the sofa, I need my rest to regain strength from the day, etc., etc.... Next, I'll be 'needing' to eat dinner by 4PM!

I'm really playing with pushing myself past the 'comfort zone'.

By the end of the night I was floating like a butterfly, showing off on the rink. I used to skate weekly when I was a teen - and you know what, the rush was there, the same exact high from skating, the freedom, the pleasure of movement and the music.

I took my son for ice cream afterwards. I didn’t order anything! I enjoyed watching him eat his and soaked in the enjoyment of the gift he gave me this evening.

Roller blading burns 816 calories per hour for a 150 pound person! I was more spent after skating than I've been from my 5k endurance training.

Find something that gives you that return to youth, that high that takes you away and ENJOY!

Going for it!

2008-03-30T21:38:00.000-05:00

This week I've determined that it's time for me to kick it up a notch. I want to be more rigourous with myself and my program. Why? Because I want different results and I've felt like I've been holding out on myself.

I've been hesitant to increase my well being game for fear that I'll overexercise or undernourish myself like I have in the past and thus potentially undermine my health.

I've also been fearful that I'll become mentally unhealthy if I give myself a goal to achieve. Again, the reason for the fear is because of my history. In the past, I've killed myself simply to "make something happen" and be victorious, only to have lost myself in the process.

So I've been protecting myself by avoiding taking any sort of action.

What I've realized that has given me the space to commit to taking myself to another level is that I haven't been trusting myself and I've been relating to myself from the past. What's been missing is me being powerful and being willing to just go for it! So I'm going for it!

I'm Every Woman

2008-03-28T10:56:00.005-05:00

You know what's good about me?

I'm a bitch.

You know what else is good about me?

I genuinely care about others.

You know what else?

Sometimes I hate people.

Sometimes I'm a selfish primadona.

I can be bossy or demure.

Kind or cruel.

Insincere or brutally honest.

And that's all of me.

That's the only me I've got.

The only me any of us have got.

So I have to keep reminding myself that you can't just take the good and reject the bad.

You can't keep wallowing in your own imperfections.

They're part of the only me there is.

Like it or not, world.

I'm not going anywhere.

Slim & Strong

2008-03-26T23:16:00.012-05:00

I have worked on my body, it's seems like my entire life, for something/someone else other than myself. It was either lose fat to 'not be' someone in my family, to look good to 'get' a man, lose it to survive, to not end up with some heart or cancer issue.

The coolest thing is starting to happen in this program. For the first time I am REALLY looking at creating my body for me, for my self expression. A creation versus a reaction to something outside myself.

I subscribe to Runner's World magazine(great read and website), subscribing before I began my 5K training program, thinking it might be a waste of time, but deep in my heart I really wanted to be a runner. There's a great article called 'What Have You Got To Lose?', I highly recommend it. It's begins with 'Losing weight isn't just about looking good'.

I see the importance of a program, support, long term goals; I cannot do this alone. My life is not about the 'yo-yo dieting' any more, it's about dropping pounds for good.

It's about being Slim & Strong (and adding luscious for another dimension to my game).

Revisiting Self-Love in the World of Breakdowns

2008-03-26T20:15:00.002-05:00

In light of all these breakdowns, It is beautiful and warm outside. It is Spring. Evidence of rejuvenated life is appearing all around me, and I am relishing the sensation of allowing myself to be moved by the beauty of it all.

Women Going Down - we are, and are for women loving themselves as the source for what is possible for humanity.

So, what’s really in my way , in the way of my having and celebrating a miraculous life, is that I think that I am a bad daughter, that I am not worthy, and that I have betrayed my family. I find myself gathering evidence, listening to talk radio shows like Dr. Laura, and listening for the justifications for why I am right. I have rendered myself fully vulnerable in the divulging of this to my husband, and now to you. He asked me if I could be willing to forgive myself. Yes, I am willing, and that’s how far I have gotten. I keep coming back to loving myself , and investigating just that.

Buddy calls are so great for keeping that conversation alive-I love to start and/or end my day in communication about who I am and what I have promised.

This is Urgent!

2008-03-24T20:42:00.003-05:00

I now have a workout buddy. We share our trainer and the cost of his hour.We’re all in agreement that she and I are a good match in the gym. When one of us struggled/excelled, the other was in complete support. It was really great when we finished our first workout and shared a meal together at Whole Foods where we created what we each want to accomplish for ourselves in terms of fitness and weight, and within our partnership. Since that first day, we’ve been in communication daily to support one another’s efforts and we’ve been discussing food consumption, meal regularity and healthy eating.
I also have been having buddy calls with one of my WGD participants. What’s really great is that today I distinguished that although I’ve been working out and adding “in” to my plan, the one thing that is missing that would make a difference is a sense of ‘urgency’ in my complete participation in these efforts. In fact, I’m taking a course right now and I see that in most areas of my life, whatever I take on, it seems to lack a sense of urgency, until the situation truly becomes urgent. (read more...)

Setting Myself Up for Fitness Success - In Response to Zoot's Post (3/22/08)

2008-03-23T14:39:00.004-05:00

Find a workout buddy/group - This works well because I have others counting on me to show up. The key is to find those who will hold me accountable to show up.

Attend a class - I like classes because of the high energy I get from others. It also starts and ends at a specific time which takes away the guessing of when I'll be exercising. A class also provides a structure so I don't have to figure out what I'm doing, I just have to show up. And when I have that thought to leave early like I do when I'm on my own, I won't let myself because of the group dynamic.

Sign up for an event - This is a great motivator to get me moving. When I sign up for a 5k or triathlon, I train so I can complete the event. I know you've heard this before - it starts when you register.

Hire a personal trainer - I have never hired a personal trainer but am certified as one. A PT will provide structure, motivation and confidence that you're doing the right thing.

These are my fitness tips!

How I Keep Exercise Alive

2008-03-22T23:00:00.001-05:00

In response to N.Z.'s post, here's what I found to work for me:

1) Dump the sedentary boyfriend. I thought my commitment to working out was strong enough to withstand nights watching the TV by open potato chip bags, and boy was I wrong! Not only has my diet improved and my TV-watching diminished, I'm working out for the love of it and to hang with others who love to move their bodies as well. Which brings me to. . .
2) Work out with a friend. So many times I've gone just to see my friend, and the workout has been great.
3) Hire a trainer. When the love doesn't motivate me, the money will!
4) Switch it up. Cross-training really works for me--running, yoga, biking, swimming, classes, weights. Variety is the spice of my exercise life.

Hope this makes a difference. Happy exercising!

Inventory

2008-03-22T12:24:00.002-05:00

OK. So it’s been 5 months now since we started this whole WGD thing. And it’s been great. There’s nothing better than a community of supportive women to give you energy in your life. It would be worth it even for that. But it’s also good to do a little reality check once in a while to see if what you’re doing is working. So here we go:

Weight – I am 10 pounds lighter than when the program started.

Wellness Attitude – I just can’t gorge like I used to. Don’t have the urge to. And my body won’t let me. If I stuff myself once, my body demands a salad. I still crave sweets sometimes, but wheat and coffee have less power over me.

Self-image – Huge change here. I no longer hate my body. It just is what it is: a great, working body. It has more fat on it than I’d like, but that’s not a source of self-loathing anymore.

Exercise – OK, no progress here. I still don’t workout regularly or stretch as much as I should.

What do you ladies think? Tell me your tips for keeping exercise a part of your daily life.

Creation Of Life

2008-03-21T10:57:00.000-05:00

I weigh more now than when I started, not what I expected. Making oneself or something wrong will not further the action. I gave myself moments to be pissed off. It just isn't me, the person I have been in the past. I have never weighed this much, nor had a time losing weight. However, I have never had to deal with the things I'm dealing with now, unemployed for 3 months; interviewing and searching more than I ever had before; agreeing to Ryan (age of 11) moving to his dad's across the country - a whole new relationship to myself as mom - grieving, depressed, excited about what's to come, terrified about what's to come; a new marriage and the work required for it, for one I see is possible between two people – extraordinary.

Life is coming at me like never before; it requires a whole new set of rules for me if I'm to play with power, dignity, freedom and fun. The time in this program has been about that, not just losing weight. I am rearranging my molecules, defining a brand new course for the next part of my journey, creation of my life.

Vulnerable

2008-03-20T20:05:00.002-05:00

I have been incredibly resistant to posting this blog. Then I got really resigned about not having posted it. And then I got attached to being resigned about it. And not having posted this blog has been really draining, weighing heavily in the back of my mind like a monstrous physical presence.

It’s literally exhilarating to spend time surrounded by people who have brought themselves together to engage in whatever it takes to live into a commitment to something greater than themselves- whatever that may be- world peace- sustainable planet.

I came home from that experience to find myself bogged down in my own reality.

All around me, people within close proximity are dying, have died, are dealing with the possibility of dying, have been shot, are worrying about those who have been shot, and are fearful about being shot themselves.
In a 24 hour period, I experienced the illusion of “knowing” what my financial situation was being stripped away in an instant. And having the experience of losing what I have worked so hard to create, as though it is a once in a lifetime thing.
I feel so vulnerable.

Emotional Eating

2008-03-19T21:24:00.006-05:00

I am clear that the number one culprit for me is emotional eating. Yesterday I was very upset, angry and stressed. I found myself scattering about inside urging to plunge into something that would be harmful to me – coffee, ice cream, candy, anything, something to escape these emotions that felt like they were about to blow.

I noticed this in the moment and did not act. I took a deep breath and moved on.

Some interesting information on emotional eating from the Mayo Clinic:

Eat a balanced diet. If you're not getting enough calories to meet your energy needs, you may be more likely to give in to emotional eating. Try to eat at fairly regular times and don't skip breakfast. Include foods from the basic groups in your meals. Emphasize whole grains, vegetables and fruits, as well as low-fat dairy products and lean protein sources. When you fill up on the basics, you're more likely to feel fuller, longer.

Exercise regularly and get adequate rest. Your mood is more manageable and your body can more effectively fight stress when it's fit and well rested.

P/S I’m going down - I have lost 4% body fat and 2.2 pounds.

Hearing it like it was the first time!

2008-03-17T23:28:00.001-05:00

Back in Chicago for just a few days, I made it to the gym to work out with Carsten twice and boy did I get an earful!! He reminded me of what I said I wanted to accomplish: being rested, in great shape, eating nutritionally balanced meals and feeling great about how I look. That’s what I want and it’s so easy for me to get lazy.

At our first meeting he gave me a handy book, Body Minder, which is a workout and exercise journal. When we’re together he logs my complete workout, but I’ve been lazy and resistant to log anything. He reminded me that he is simply here to assist me, but that I have to do my part too. Everything he had to say is nothing that I haven’t heard before, but I felt like a 5 year old, trying to defend my efforts, or lack there of, and why I haven’t written in the journal. It was pathetic!

So I’ve been working out again, 5 days in a row and I feel great. I’ve been eating raw foods this weekend and regularly throughout the day. I’ve been journaling, too. Oh, and when I (read more)...

Having It All!

2008-03-17T00:18:00.003-05:00

As promised, I took a deeper look at my body image. What I distinguished was that I've been suffering. This suffering has resulted from believing that I have to pick between 1. being hungry in order to lose weight or 2. "settling" for my current weight.

In the past, the way that I've lost weight is by strictly reducing my intake of food which leaves me suffering in hunger. This is not ideal and isn't sustainable so is not a good option.

When I look at option 2, the idea of having an "OK" body versus an amazing body feels empty to me as I believe in pursuing dreams. I could go after an amazing body, but does that mean I shouldn't accept my current body in the meantime? NO WAY!

I'm creating the possibility of having it all!

I see that I can love my body as it is NOW, I can also pursue an amazing body and I can accomplish this without starving or suffering.

I do not know my exact path towards achieving it, but I'm clear the path will be revealed. And I'm thrilled to be back in the game of exploration!

Bailey's With The Ladies

2008-03-16T01:25:00.003-05:00

The WGD members are together for a weekend seminar, and several of us are hanging out in the bar, drinking and talking sex, love, and possibility. Three of us got up really early to work out in the hotel fitness room, so that I could have enough time to talk to my crush, who called me at 7 a.m. from India. We've been talking for 2-3 hours every few days, and it feels like 10 minutes! T-19 days until our weekend in Yosemite when we see if we like each other as much in person as we do on the phone. As far as well-being goes, I recommend getting a crush! It definitely puts an extra "bounce in your pounce" (as my dad would say). And yes, I have been drinking.

Dear Diary

2008-03-13T21:59:00.002-05:00

Dear Diary,

Promise not to tell? Sometimes I feel like giving up. It’s just too much to handle sometimes, you know? Job, finances, making a difference, loving others, looking good, feeling good, and being healthy. Ooh, that last one just makes me want to fold up into the fetal position and suck my thumb or something, like a big lead blanket has enveloped me.

Do you know what I mean? Like there are days when it would all be alright if I could just cease to be. Not forever, but for a little while. Shut down the old battery and reboot completely. It feels hopeless sometimes. Like I’ll never catch up or measure up to my own potential.

What to do, diary? We can’t give up, see? There’s no hibernation for humans. No way to escape progress, moving forward, onward, upward, to bigger and better things. It’s a machine out of control. A speeding train with no brakes. Would you forgive me, dear diary, for sometimes wanting to get off? For sometimes wanting to just….. be?

That’s all.

Yours,
Zoot

Dressed up Goals

2008-03-13T20:34:00.004-05:00

Something really cool happened today at the airport. This is the kind of thing that could have happened a long time ago, anywhere, any time, or I could have just taken on the resulting mindset without any event to inspire it. The WHY here is not important. The result is. It’s like trying to figure out WHY we have certain repeating behaviors, specific self-sabotaging actions, and disempowering self-talk. In the end, it’s just entertaining to look and to know the answers to that stuff.
I was looking around at everyone in the airport (excellent venue for people watching) and suddenly noticed my fascination with what people were wearing (mostly women). It didn’t matter what kind of clothes, what size, what look. I didn’t have any dominating opinions, just a few fleeting thoughts. I was just LOOKING. I thought about all the gorgeous clothes I have in my closet. I don’t buy really lovely clothes until I am pretty svelte, and then, outta my way with the shopping bags! Read about what I'm doing about it...

So Stuck in Resignation!

2008-03-11T23:26:00.004-05:00

I'm resigned about my body. I'm not proud of it like I would like to be. I check myself out in mirrors and typically find something wrong. I wear clothes to hide my imperfections and avoid intimate times with my husband so he doesn't have to see my flaws. As crazy as this sounds, this is what I do and I have approximately 5 lbs of fat to lose! Insane! Somehow my body image has become more of "the way it is" and I've reached a level of "resignation".

But this isn't working! Even though I don't feel worried about my body anymore (which is much better for my health), the negative thoughts still exist. Although I'm taking extremely healthy actions, (I'm eating raw and organic foods, exercising 5-6 days/week, getting 6-8 hours of sleep/night, expressing myself more and taking actions in line with my life's mission), I'm still not free of the "not-good-enough" thoughts I have about myself and my physical appearance.

I know something else is available and I need to do some work to get to the source of it and transform it. I will do this over the weekend and report back.

Taking Flight!

2008-03-11T23:17:00.002-05:00

What a difference from last week! High anxiety, fatigue, lots of upset all around me…..I shifted some things in my life this past week. I added relaxation to my day. I recently heard that not only is nutrition and exercise important in weight loss, relaxation plays a critical part in this process as well.

Also I became very aware of my limits and honored them. I started looking at things I had said yes to that were not a priority and began letting go of these things. This freed me up to focus on the important areas of my life, which included exercise and relaxation; a first for me.

My son and I completed week 3 of our 5K training program. I lost 1 inch in my waist, completed my mammogram for the year (all is well with the girls) and am starting to experience fun and joy in my life once again.

I love something I recently read – ‘every scary obstacle is just an invitation to relax - this is my new motto…..

Heaven Sent?

2008-03-10T23:55:00.001-05:00

Lately I’ve been adding in whole foods, sprouted grains and healthier choice foods. The other day I prepared a breakfast burrito with Ezekiel 4:9 sprouted grain tortillas. If you’re not familiar with Ezekiel brand products, they’re ‘inspired by the Holy Scripture verse: “Take also unto thee, Wheat, and Barley, and Beans, and Lentils, and Millet, and Spelt, and put them in one vessel, and make bread of it…” Ezekiel 4:9.’

I love this brand because it provides complete proteins and there are all sorts of amino acids, vitamins, minerals and natural fiber with no added fat. My burrito tasted great and I was getting all the essentials and then some. Then, as I read the package I fell upon another gold mine of information, especially for someone like me who is in exploration mode. In fact, I would have sworn someone was talking directly to me when I read on the package, ‘Interested in learning more about health through nutrition? Contact Price-Pottenger Nutrition Foundation.’ And I did.

What a tremendous resource. “PPNF is committed to: Advancing the quality of life through the study, application, research and dissemination of nutritional and environmental information which can affect health in today’s high-tech world.”

Sleepwalking

2008-03-08T11:36:00.003-06:00

It might be denial or pure arrogance, but I act like I don't need sleep. This means that I run myself really hard, maybe sleeping 5 hours per night. . .and then I crash, either getting sick or sleeping for 13 hours. This might be my biggest well-being issue because it's the one I'm least committed to impacting. There are so many things I want to do, and then so much I have to do the next day that I don't want to face. Instead of making some promise around this, like getting 8 hours of sleep, I'm just going to acknowledge that I could use more sleep--and stop pretending that I'm above my humanity.

Missing

2008-03-06T19:11:00.001-06:00

Physically, it feels really good to have exercised (as I said I would). Even better was the experience of honoring my word around what I said I would do. I have been paying attention to what I have been eating, and have been enjoying, and I do mean regaling on many more salads than I have in the past months.

What is going on is activity, which is seemingly endless. I have been completing tasks, completing tasks, completing tasks, and only some of those are directly related to what I am interested in. It’s important, and moves things forward, yet IN THE BACKGROUND I am always pining to be free, the be outside, to be cherished, to be fulfilled. What in the hell is MISSING?????? Clearly, there is only something missing because I say it is missing, but that doesn’t answer the question WHAT is missing.

Anxious Moments In Time

2008-03-04T22:11:00.005-06:00

Nights have been hell lately for me-difficulty falling asleep, waking in the middle of the night, unable to go back to sleep easily. I have been so hard on myself versus just looking at what so and putting in a correction. One area is this weight loss game. I promised for the last several weeks to shed 1-2 pounds per week. This has not happened, nor have I really looked at why and adjusted my eating patterns. Until today… I took a close look at when I ‘fail’ with my eating. Mainly, it’s during the day, when I hit a high anxiety level and then I start grabbing for food, mainly carbohydrates. It’s automatic. This was really great to shed the light on this. And, I wouldn’t have been so aware if I hadn’t put a weekly weight loss number on the line. I have shed 3.6% of body fat, but not the weight. It is not a mystery as to why it’s not coming off. AND, I have already adopted the thinking; well I’m now ramping up the exercise, now I can eat what I want. WRONG – I could do this if I was an ultramarathoner!

Friend Therapy

2008-03-03T10:43:00.002-06:00

I'm traveling again for work this week and visited my favorite tonic bar. While sitting at the bar, a male and female sat down and let the tonic-tender know they were there to enjoy a drink and have "friend therapy". I absolutely feel in love with this phrase and told them I was going to borrow it.

This got me thinking about how important it is to connect with people in my life, open myself up, share what's going on with me, get keenly interested in what they are experiencing and listen to them.

Have you ever noticed when someone isn't listening to you? You can totally tell and it sucks. All I want when I'm talking to someone is to be heard and ultimately to be understood, whether the other person agrees with me or not. Although I'm great at talking, I need to practice listening the way I want them to listen to me.

With the busy-ness of today, I believe connecting with people is one of our easiest and biggest tools for ultimate health. If "friend therapy" was a regular part of our lives; the love, laughter, listening, sharing, encouragement and acceptance would go a long way.

Worthy of Rest!

2008-03-03T08:50:00.000-06:00

Sleep! I so often give it up in order to do other things. Optimally I should have 6 -8 hours a night. When overtired I tend to be irritable and unfocused.

Mark Mahowald, a professor of neurology at the University of Minnesota Medical School cautions that, “any amount of sleep deprivation will diminish mental performance. One complete night of sleep deprivation is as impairing in simulated driving tests as a legally intoxicating blood-alcohol level." He goes on to stress the importance of napping to correct poor mental performance. “In a study of Japanese men, a mid-afternoon nap had positive effects upon the maintenance of their daytime vigilance level. The 20-minute nap improved performance level and their self-confidence”.

I’m a night owl. I love working into the night. I enjoy the quiet and knowing that I’m not missing out on something (fun). Unfortunately, I’m missing out on the source of anything fun and it affects me all day long. This week I’m re-committing to 5 -7 hours of sleep per night and a cat nap when necessary, because I’m worth it!! So are you! Need a quick nap? Be good to yourself, feel refreshed and be on the ball. Take one!

Good Pain

2008-03-02T21:30:00.005-06:00

I was late for my first meeting with a physical therapist. She read me the riot act. It wasn't my fault that I was late. There were a number of circumstances out of my control. It was freezing. There were no buses. My plan B ride from a friend was late, and I could barely walk. But nonetheless as I was standing there in her office, crouching over from the pain, I just couldn't muster an excuse.

I could see them for all they were. Just talk. A whole lot of empty talk. All talk and no action, see? And what it cost me was the guaranteed possibility of a pain free life. Not that's not to say the back pain won't go away. But I will have to earn that.

There's good pain and bad pain she says. Good pain happens when things are moving around as they should. It comes when my spine is properly aligned for once. And then it diminishes, as things settle slowly back into place. But I think there is another reason pain is good. Because it reminds you that you can't keep making excuses and avoiding taking action.

I Did It, I Hired A Trainer

2008-03-01T08:55:00.003-06:00

I've wanted to run a marathon for years, but I've been living inside the idea that "I'm not a runnner." (one example: I'm a DD) The year before last, I talked to a friend who's a trainer and developed a marathon training plan. . .but my knee started hurting and so I quit. A physical therapist told me I needed to strengthen the muscles in my inner thigh to help the knee, and I never did it. In just 4 strength training sessions, that little muscle is starting to pop! I've picked a marathon in Idaho for 8/23/08. It's my mom's birthday, and she's going to travel with me and be there at the finish line. I want to do this because it's always been a limit for me, and the completion of it will require a transformation in my self-identity--and the victory and freedom that is. I'm a runner, hear me roar!

Mission: Retaliation - FAT/UGLY

2008-02-28T15:52:00.008-06:00

I recently watched the 1939 version of The Hunchback Of Notre Dame. Quasimdo, the misshapen bell ringer says to the beautiful gypsy girl, Esmerelda, that he feels uglier than ever before because of her beauty.

I was always fit and at the top of my beauty scale when I was single. When I'm in a relationship, I get 'fat and ugly'.

When 'my man' is noticing women that are more beautiful, fit or hot, this makes me feel ugly, undesirable and threatened. DAMN HIM, FOR DOING THIS TO ME. My power, freedom, top of the game is gone - I gave this (single life) all up for him just to feel like this? It's a trap. Do I then not get fit to retaliate because 'he' made me feel so bad about myself?

I need help with this one, a conversation to empower me again. To be woman - beautiful, fit and at the top of my game. I will call someone and report back....to be continued.....

Behind the Smokescreen: Grief

2008-02-28T13:26:00.006-06:00

Today I had a massage. It was lovely. First I found myself wondering, "Is she thinking about how much weight I've gained since the last time I was in? Is my muscle tone disgusting?" (etc., by the way, ad nauseum), then I focused on how much hair was on my upper legs and fantasized about it getting tangled in her spindly fingers. Not much attention to self-love. Then she got to my feet. I don't know much about reflexology, except that I have a chart, and know that it's been around long enough for lots of evidence to have been accumulated for its validity. Does it access emotions stored in spots in the body? She got to some spot, and I started to cry. I was thinking of my dad, who died four years ago, and whose birthday it will be on March 3. Although I cleaned up a lot before his death, yet there is so much incompletion- about my dad, for me, with my mom and brother. As far as I am concerned, this is evidence that the brain is truly like a computer, and my Outlook is open to the calendar function.

Something I dreamed (literally) not too long ago was about establishing a foundation in my father's honor to provide health benefits, particularly dialysis, to Veterans and their families who need it. My dad invented dialysis, and was researching until very shortly before his death. He LIVED FOR and was ENLIVENED BY the betterment of the lives of others, and was devastaed by the fact that dialysis was not a cure. Read on, there's lots more...

Odd post for a group focused on well-being? No- this is about what I really live for.

I'm Bringing Sexy Back

2008-02-26T21:51:00.008-06:00

I stuck with my micro-goal to exercise at least 30 minutes, 5 days per week. I put myself in a weekly weight loss challenge group, enrolled 3 friends and my husband (!) to join me - what a blast. We had a temporary meeting place this past week, our local library. Imagine a group of 40-50 year olds taking each other's measurements...in the library.

I did not lose the 1-2 pound weight goal for the week; however, I did shed 1.5% of body fat!

I began the 5K training with my 11 year old son. Both of us were so sore for days (which I was thrilled to see that my son was also sore!).

My husband and I both agreed we really weren't committed or motivated by anything to lose weight (even our medical stats that said we 'should'). So, we both decided to do it for each other - to look hot and sexy for each other. This might sound a bit shallow for some, but, hey, sassy playfulness has returned and laughing together about how we're trying to sabotage each others eating so we can win the weight loss prize money (tonight I added extra pasta on his plate).

Losing to Win

2008-02-25T22:19:00.004-06:00

Last week I struggled, debated and listed every possible reason NOT to be on the conference call for WGD. I had sunk into the darkest place I have been in many, many years. In fact, I was actually scared, because I had slipped past the tipping point, a point at which I thought I had the power to do something or be some way to come out of it. I had exceptional justification- I was so depressed, I had nothing to offer, I was negative, and especially important, I had nothing to contribute to the call, and certainly not to the world.

Read more...

What had happened is that I found myself present to the world emerging around me, and none of it is familiar anymore, so it FEELS like chaos. I was so confronted by so much change simultaneously, that my desperate and failed attempts to control everything left me in a dreadfully uncomfortable place. I had no past references to compare it to, and to measure my “success”, so I , left to my own devices, called it failure. It seemed as though everything I was doing was showing up half-assed.
On the call, we considered failing as a matter of course of having taken on more than we know ourselves to be. We are actually WILLING to play a game of losing (failing), ongoingly, to win.

D'ya think I'm sexy?

2008-02-25T19:27:00.003-06:00

Funny how life works. I finally figured out why it is I want to be fit. For me it's all about looking good. Don't get me wrong, I like to feel good too, but mostly because then I look better. And this is not a bad thing. Hey, the heart wants what it wants, man.

But here's the funny part. I don't think I have ever looked worse in my life. My back went out again this weekend and I am walking around like an 80 year old share-cropper. All hunched over and hobbling. And when I'm sick I don't shower so much, so my hair looks all ratty. And the painkillers make my eyes bloodshot. You get the picture - failing spectacularly at looking good.

But I've also started to consider that the greatest cause of looking and feeling bad is self-hatred (or at least self-flagellation). That seems to be a consistent presence when the back pain appears. Is it as John Sarno says - that back pain originates in the mind? I’m checking out his book. And FINALLY looking into physical therapy. To look good, you gotta push through a whole lotta looking foolish first, I reckon.

Tonic Bar - The World Needs More!

2008-02-25T01:14:00.003-06:00

This week, I've been in the middle of my crazy travel schedule and I'm reminded that life is only as crazy as I make it. The build up in my mind of a "crazy travel schedule" is worse than the traveling. I'm actually having fun exploring this unfamiliar city in my down time and meeting new people.

As a result of my explorations and being open, I've discovered and developed a curiosity for Chinese tonic herbs. I have been frequenting the tonic bar at Erewhon. OMG! This is how a bar SHOULD be! You go there, tell them what you're going through whether it's that you feel stressed, want to tone up, need some energy, need to sleep, etc, and they make a drink customized to how you want to feel! I can definitely vouch that the first night I got there, the drink energized me beyond words and I felt more amazing than I have in a long time. Not to mention it was absolutely delicious!

I'm now adding words like jing and ho shou wu to my vocabulary and advocating for more tonic bars! The world would be a happier and healthier place.

Southern Cooking and Thinking Thin?

2008-02-25T00:29:00.003-06:00

I’m visiting relatives in Georgia this week. Ever eaten good southern cooking? Then you know that fried foods, black eyed peas, collared greens, okra, corn bread and sweet tea are staples to many a meal. I’ve had challenges and pitfalls.
Frustration and resignation appeared and I remembered my friend who lost 40 pounds this past year by ‘thinking like a thin person’. She credits the Beck Diet Solution! According to Amazon.com “any sensible diet will help you lose weight, but the challenge for 90% of Americans is actually staying on the diet they choose. …Dr. Beck, one of the foremost authorities in the field of Cognitive Therapy …created a … plan …[to] help people stick with their diet, lose weight with confidence, and keep weight off for a lifetime.”
This week I’ve added the goal of wearing a bikini (and looking great in it) by June 15th. This is simply a milestone to inspire me to stay on track. What I’m really up to is creating a sustainable fitness and nutrition lifestyle and I can see where the Beck Diet Solution is a natural addition to (my already) raw food exploration and regular exercise. It’s time to think thin!!

Commitment and Choice

2008-02-23T09:20:00.005-06:00

I've had a great week. I've got a new love interest (!), a guy from high school who I always respected, and (because he currently lives in India) we have a "date" scheduled for the first weekend in April in Yosemite. He's physically active, and this date has been the PERFECT reason for me to kick my life into high gear. I hired a personal trainer, finally, to deal with a knee issue that affects my running, and I've been working out all week. The thing I notice is this: He's not here, and there's no guarantee we'll have a romantic relationship. That means that I am the source of this aliveness I feel and the commitment I'm generating for my well-being. This leaves me without reasons or excuses--just the way I choose to live, moment to moment.

Run Like You've Never Run Before

2008-02-19T20:18:00.006-06:00

(Collage - Paula Radcliffe)

I'm intrigued lately by marathon running. I am committed to adding this into my life as a life-long structure for well being, vitality and clear mental thinking.

One of my goals for this year is a 10K run. I've been envisioning running with a group to support my training and development. I've inquired into several area groups but had not found one of any interest...until last night.

I'm registered with an email program called 'Freecycle', a network to promote waste reduction and help save landscape from being taken over by landfills. People posts things they want for free or are looking to give away for free, very worth the time.

Last night I received an email from a personal trainer and group fitness instructor offering FREE Running/Walking Training Sessions. This Saturday I'll be joining a group of 50 people including my 11-year old son and his friend and we'll begin our training to run in two 5K events in May this year. This is perfect! Two things that I dreamed of - fun training and doing this with my son - Life Is Good!

Quality of Life

2008-02-18T23:58:00.006-06:00

Quality of Life. How is it measured? Well-being. What is it? When I looked these terms up on Wikipedia, I was surprised that there isn’t more information about how to measure one’s quality of life and/or well-being. Interestingly, I’ve had a stomach ache and nausea for over a week. Today the pain in my stomach seemed to escalate and I’m literally down and out for the count! Until I sat down to write this blog, I hadn’t realized that I’ve been ignoring my well-being by putting up with the pain. Wikipedia concludes that well-being for one is very different than well-being for another. That’s exactly why, if you look on the WGD profiles, you’ll see we each set our own standards for our weekly promises. My promise now includes seeing a doctor if my stomach isn’t feeling better by Wednesday and catching myself sooner when I’m not taking care of myself. It’s amazing how much pain I’ll put up with before I realize that my well-being isn’t being tended to. What about you? Where are you relaxed in meeting your health and well-being needs? What can you create that will support you in taking the utmost care of yourself?

Schedule Overwhelm

2008-02-17T21:30:00.002-06:00

I've been traveling for work since February 10th and my travel schedule doesn't slow until March 18th. At times, I look at my schedule and feel overwhelmed, wondering when I'm going to get my workouts in, emails answered, projects done, etc. I end up resisting coworkers and loved ones in an attempt to "get a breather" and have enough energy to "survive". This troubles me because I've let the overwhelm run my life and I don't feel like I'm handling it powerfully or healthily.

On one hand, I tell myself to simply "be in the moment" which works until someone asks me to do something in my spare time on the road and I freak out because that's "my" time. Then I feel selfish for wanting "my" time and wrong for wanting to be unsocial.

On the other hand, I tell myself to embrace the fact that I want "my" time and let others think whatever they want if I am unsocial, because that's what I feel I need.

None of these seem to be the complete answer, so I'm going to explore this week for a healthier experience to my "necessary" alone time and overwhelm.

Burnout Recovery

2008-02-17T13:50:00.006-06:00

‘Burnout is a gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and mental, physical, and emotional strain. The result is lowered productivity, cynicism, and confusion... a feeling of being drained and having nothing more to give’ (By Mark Gorkin, LICSW "The Stress Doc"™, Practice Safe Stress: Healing & Laughing In the Face of Stress, Burnout, & Depression, A Personal, Professional and Organizational Guide).

This is where I’ve been - it’s time - time for ME to alter life, take responsibility, stop agonizing, start ‘realistic’ actions and goals.

“You’ve got to focus on micro-goals when faced with a big challenge” (by admired Ultramarathoner, athlete, best selling author and one of the top 100 most influential people in the world - Dean Karnazes).

MY PROMISE: ONE LIFE ALTERING ACTION TO START THIS WEEK:

Regular aerobic exercise, moderately intense for 30 minutes, 5 days per week.
Exercise is an antidote to mild feelings of agitation and/or depression. Also, when everything's up in the air - structured exercise provides a self-defined beginning and endpoint or a great success ritual.

I will report my progress February 26.

Living Well as an Act of Love

2008-02-16T10:13:00.006-06:00

My good friend from high school is a major fitness buff--black belt in karate, triathelete, fitness instructor, training for an Ironman with her husband, etc. She had a baby about a year and a half ago, and I went swimming & biking with her once while she was 7 months along. . . and she kicked my ass. While I've always been envious, I've justified my lifestyle by saying, "it's her thing, probably takes a lot of time and I have a lot of other very important things going on." Watching her manage work/family/social life this trip, I realized that my excuse was insufficient for me. She's constantly working with balance; so can I. How much time does it really take to bust down to the gym? And, more importantly, I saw how her level of fitness and self-love was SUCH a contribution to everyone in her life--she felt good and just naturally shared that good feeling with her family, her students, me. . .and with such compassion for whatever health struggles we may be dealing with, because she's in the trenches every day herself. She's my inspiration to Kick It into high gear--such a beautiful expression of living well as an act of Love.

Resurrection from a practice life

2008-02-16T07:51:00.003-06:00

I remember the day I turned 30. I was at a wedding in New York. I was upset about my life. There I was, passing another decade, living a life that I found hollow and unfulfilling. And I snapped.

I knew right then that I couldn’t live another moment of my life that way. Things had to change. So I changed them. I moved into a new apartment, radically changed my job, and started working part-time so I could pursue some of my neglected passions. It felt like the beginning of my life. And my life today is about 100 times better than it was before I turned 30.

But here I am now. 32. And what do I have to show for 2 years in a new life? If I’m honest with myself, I’m disappointed in the results so far. But I remembered something else today. On my 30th birthday, I was struck with a lightning bolt of clarity: this is it!! This is my one and only life. And what I do today matters. But the urgency of that insight has expired. How can I keep it alive? How can I keep living like today is my last?

30 Things for which I'm Grateful - In Celebration of my 30th Birthday!

2008-02-15T19:32:00.010-06:00

As promised, here's my list of 30 things for which I'm grateful! Just writing this list lifted me up. What are you grateful for?

1. My husband driving 7 hours to be with me on my birthday
2. The feeling after hot CorePowerYoga and exercise
3. Parents and friends who love me
4. Running on the beach and the beach in general
5. Landmark Forum - this course made the most profound difference in my life in only a weekend! It's the best thing I've ever experienced and done for myself
6. Gourmet raw food restaurants and recipes
7. Intuition and my ability to listen to it
8. My husband and I pursuing our dreams together by opening a healthy bed and breakfast retreat center
9. I know what my passions are
10. I'm blessed to work in an industry in line with one of my passions
11. I travel to great places for work
12. I meet amazing people every day
13. Cafe Gratitude for reminding me of the power of my internal dialog
14. Having no agenda and exploring
15. Making a difference for others
16. Internet - it gives me access to connect with and learn about the world

.....more